I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
