just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
i think i just lost a toe
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
