I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
