I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
