I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I did not marry a roomba.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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