The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
