His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
