Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
