I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
this just has baby written all over it
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
