The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
