I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
