the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
