my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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