I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
