Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
