How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
