Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
