i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
