I feel great
I just peed on a car
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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