i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
