last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
