Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You are a genius and a whore.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize