My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
