I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
