i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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