I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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