im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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