how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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