So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I met the friendliest cop last night
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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