the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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