I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
