So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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