I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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