Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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