Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
