I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
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