I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
