I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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