ya dads aren't the best wingmen
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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