After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
