I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
