just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm bleeding and have questions
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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