broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
