I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
