if you like me you must not know who I am
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
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