I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
