I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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