I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
