nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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