I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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