My cat gives me a boner
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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