Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize