When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
