I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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