I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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